On my own professional ego…

*start rant*

I never used to think I had a big, professional ego…

For the most part, I have always found it relatively easy to articulate my thoughts and to influence with relative ease… or at least have my opinions respected. Especially about things I kow and am passionate about.

Recently, however, and for reasons which I can’t seem to fathom, this has been getting more and more difficult.

There are few things that rile me more than the sense that I’m not being listened to. Or that my opinions count for nothing because the person I am talking to assumes they know better. I can see it happening, in the recipient’s body language and see the begin to unfocus. The teacher in me was trained to recognize these signs and to adjust accordingly by asking checking and verification questions…

And while I try REALLY hard not to revert back to some kind of childish impudence, I’m getting closer to tantrums than I think most realise. And, of course, when I get close to that the red mist descends and clear, articulate thoughts are gone.

I took quite a large slice of humble pie to come work here: I had previously held management positions in all previous companies and had prided myself on the quality of work I undertook to make that grade and become a positive, professional leader and I empowered others to be and do the same. For a while here, mine was a new ‘fresh’ approach which seemed to be embraced by most people I dealt with, and I didn’t feel confined by the position I held which, given the steps forward I had made in my professional life, I worried meant I was taking a step backward.

It seems that your working life accumulates equity, in the same way that a house does when held onto: As you create experience and maturity you develop your worth. Unfortunately, a ’step back, might be considered a salf imposed recession, and as such impacts your worth.

All that said, I have never looked at the professional side of my life to be the be-all-and-end-all of my existence. It is a means to an end – to support my family and provide a lifestyle that we can enjoy…

But we all need to have that sense of worth and of recognition and of accomplishment.

Here, there are a whole bunch of barriers to that: A ‘class system’, based on seniority, a lack of vision at a Management level, which means that most creativity is plagiarised by those managers who are lucky enough to have good, creative team-members, selfish personal agendas and zero recognition.

Which, perhaps I should just accept.

But I’m realising it fits less and less with my M.O., and makes me bitter as hell, which impacts my work habits and will doubtless put me further back down the chain that I was when I started.

That is, of course, completely up to me (do you adapt to your company or does your company adapt to you), but how many barriers and patronising insults do you hit head-on before you realise it hurts your head. Or your ego.

Perhaps the biggest question I’m asking myself is if I’m learning anything? Am I becoming a better worker? The answer is that I’m not sure I am.

Maslow’s heirarchy of needs is largely based on the overall human motivation, but can be remodeled to the workplace. I feel at present that I’m stuck in one of the lower levels and while trying to ascend, am being stifled down so that others can reach the top levels at the expense of people like me.

Ugh, even reading my own words makes me feel weak and kind of pathetic.

The good news is that I know I’m in control of my own path. I have choices. Taking this job as very definately a case fo “sometimes you have to do what you have to do in order to put food on the table”, and it goes without saying that I know there are people who are a hell of a lot more needing than me.

But this is about me and my own state of mind.

So being in control means I have choices:

1) Run this course, adjust, and be silent and bitter – not good for anyone.
2) Run this course, adjust and try to effect positive change – the challenging option
3) Jump ship and target environments which match my style – not impossible, but lengthy change
4) Stop whining and get an attitude change. You do it because you have to – most likely immediate change!

As usual, I probably haven’t articulated myself well – I don’t when I feel down or pissy or negative.

*end rant*

Mixamytosis

At risk of turning this into a “what a wuh-wuh-whacky workplace I work in” blog, I learned today that one colleague can corner poor subjects and talk at them for a full 35 minutes on the subject of burritos.

Furthermore, the poor unsuspecting fool has been roped into an exploratory visit to Montreals finest burrito place in the plateau to extend this discussion.

He looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights with no where to run.

In the UK, farmers believe that the only humane way to deal with these mixamytosis-afflicted beasties is to take a shovel to their skull and end their misery.

Run, rabbit, run!

I Spy…

There’s a guy who sit’s directly across from me at work…

He never sees me because his back is always turned, thus allowing me to watch almost everything he does on his computer, most of which is completely non-work related.

Today he has been surfing through an Iranian personals website for the past three hours.

  

Adios 2007

2007 was, of course, just a great year for me…

In the short 6 months that he has been on this planet (out of utero) I have watched him develop from a pink wriggly wee thing into a communicative, relaxed, happy, healthy and gorgeous wee man. I am so absolutely in love with him, more than I thought was ever possible, and have come to realise that all those clichés are true about the depth to which you adore your own.

I have had the priviledge to witness my beautiful wife grow into the perfect, relaxed and caring mother, and it’s really humbling to see her become this so effortlessly and naturally. I’m sure that she’d deny the ‘effortlessly’ part, but still…

I’m so batty about my family it’s stupid!

I have enjoyed (and can, on reflection, actually say ‘enjoyed’ and mean it!) 9 months of gainful employment and have met some great people with whom I’ve shared some laughs and some great lessons on the journey so far…

I turned 37 years old and have more salt than pepper, but am gradually coming to appreciate the ‘distinguished’ description.

Who am I kidding? I still hate it.

On the flip side too many people I know have been affected by serious illness, and for the first time, I have felt very powerless to do anything truly positive to help.

His journey has been awful and inspiring all at the same time. I know you’ll read this and I state right here that you are – whether you believe now, tomorrow or whenever – the bravest, strongest person I know and I’m incredibly proud of you and what you have achieved despite so much going against you.

There, I said it.

I wish I could have done more.

So for all of the above, there have been resolutions for this new year that are easy to to adhere to, and which I fully, fully intend to keep. They’ll be between myself and the moon, but I guess those who know me will know and understand them through the upcoming days, weeks and months.

By ex-roommate always used to ask the following question at New Year:

What was the best thing about 2007What was the worst thing about 2007

What is your motto for 2008

I think the first two are covered… but the motto?

“Can and Will”

Happy 2008!

What’s yours?

Thoughts on personal fulfillment

This Saturday is the Saku Koivu Foundation fundraiser, organized by yours truly.

It’s the third annual fundraiser that I’ve put together, but this year seems to have been harder work than usual…

It’s hard to say why – I imagine a combination of timing (I just got back from Washington DC), balancing family dynamics, and just a spread of energy.

It’s also, in some ways, the largest of the events that I’ve produced solo: – 9 acts, marketing, logistics and, the most challenging of all, people!

I was asked the question, whilst in the US recently, as to what I thought was the way to go with life – the dream job which challenges you every day, or a lesser daily challenge, supplemented with created challenges and passions.

My initial reaction was that the dream job is all fine and good, but that, by definition, you encompass all of the things above into that sphere because, if you are anything like me, you throw yourself head first into it and allow it to consume you.

I also firmly believe that you are personally responsible for your own passions, which means that nothing but that motivates you to succeed in them…

I have so much respect for doctors, nurses and teachers who work in extremely challenging circumstances and environments and often wonder if the reason that drove to where they are now still remains. I studied to be a teacher and soon became jaded to the fact that I wasn’t going to change the world and rose tints on my glasses soon faded to let the harsher neon striplights in.

Are they living their passion? And if they devote whatever is left of their lives to something else, is their focus gone?

I now work in an environment which is sometimes dull, frequently frustrating, but often challenging and even rewarding. It also allows me to switch it off at 5:00pm so that I can shift my priorites to family and those things that I can enjoy in their purest forms. I can mix them up when I want and try something else, all the while (relatively) secure in the fact that I can look after the practical things like paying for my heat and car insurance.

And after a couple of relatively high stress but high profile positions before, this is very refreshing… but it’s all evolution… marriage and family brings compromise where there was none and I chose (some) security with changeable opportunity over personal and selfish dedication. I hate using the word ’selfish’, but in my head it is the only appropriate word.

So, having said that I found the fundraising efforts hard, I wouldn’t change any of it, because when it’s all done, I look at it as another thing I created and did because I wanted to, not because I had to…

Now then… whether all of this makes for an interesting life, well that’s another question…

Strapping the Les Paul and jumping about like I’m still 18 years old?

I’ll say…

4 days in…

Week one nearly done… and it’s tough to say anything of any real substance about it…

Initial observations:

- I seem to be working with some great people… an eclectic mix.
- I like fish, which seems to be a good thing and must ask the boss/fishfeeder for some advice as and when I finally get my own tank up and running.
- I enjoy playing ping-pong at lunch time with JP, but do not so much enjoy getting my as handed to me on a plate by the large Iranian dude. (it’s a metaphor for losing very badly and looking like a flailing one winged (thats wing-ed) beastie…
- The fresh fruit is a nice touch
- Trying to piece together the work that is expected of me has been somewhat challenging, but then again, I never did like it too easy.
- Doing the work without the tools, likewise.
- I have yet to formally meet some people… but I’m very shy and reserved that way.
- The incredibley chilled atmosphere blows my mind. Does anyone get stressed at this place?

As far as the piecing it all together part is concerned I do have to ask myself if I know more than I did 4 days ago – and the answer is very definately ‘yes’… so I guess it’s all good.

I’m also really enjoying the walk to and from – the metro doesn’t really save any time – it’s more a lazy convenience and I have multiple routes that I can take which mixes it all up… and armed with a *gasp* CD player I have a new soundtrack to every day…

- Monday = Black Crowes Tall Sessions
- Tuesday = Starsailor
- Wednesday = Del Amitri
- Thursday = Quireboys

(I have no idea whay I even typed that – how 16 year old of me (not that there’s anything wrong with that))  

…of course, I was called about 3 other jobs and was given a GOLDEN contact for a place that I REALLY wanted to work at… I knew this would happen – it always does… and I really don’t feel good about chasing any of the opportunities up… it’s a karma thing.

But so far so good.

I like the balance.

The Job Update…

It seems that the stars aligned and using some techniques from the job club boot camp course I had been doing: assertively networking, smartening up CV, interview prep and some outstanding efforts from Jonas Parker, being the fine man that he is – I interviewed on Friday and accepted a position at the same company he is at.

I also believe that Zura works there also. I saw her blogging. Really I did.

JP and I met for some smoked meat at lunchtime (which was directly after the interview) and discussed the situation. We discussed the pro’s and con’s and realised that we were having a similar discussion as he was having with himself right here.

I had pretty much been offered the job on the spot and had to make some pretty quick decisions:

It was time to make a list of pro’s and cons:

Cons:

• $$$

Pros:

• Autonomous office
  Less stress than I’m used to
  Relaxed environment (there are fish tanks everywhere)
  Interesting tax break offers
  Close to home (still downtownish)
  Boss of same cultural background. (The Scotland thing)
  Flexibility
  Financial security
  Opportunity for a work/life balance thing.
  Having a friendly face at work

There were others which basically amount to company policy so are probably best left off of here… but when written down, quite clearly the pro’s outweigh the con’s.

The wife and I did the budget this morning in view of the our wee man on the way and we’re going to be fine.

So it was a no brainer.

I start Monday 12th March, which gives me a week to relax, be stressfree and ready.

A week to relax and play guitar, prep and start on the man-child’s nursery.

This is good.

Maybe I’ll get calls from all the other lines that I have in the water at the moment – isn’t that always the way it happens? Whatever. I think I may be able to do well here…

Thanks JP. I owe you big time.

It’s funny – I had taken a walk up the mountain to the chalet and took pictures of the city’s panoramic view. It’s hard to articulate clearly, but I found myself looking down over it with a sense of distance. Like I didn’t belong – or wasn’t part of it’s pulse.

I wasn’t contributing.

And that made me feel very invisible, like I could see the city pass me by and not even notice that I was there… and it’s remarkable how that experience can give one so much clarity of thought and even recognise and change priorities…

When I got home – I had a message about the interview.

Strangely there was no real question about the outcome for me, or it’s impact to my family.

So these are good days…

…and as much as I may come to regret saying it, I am now another beat in the pulse that is this place.

In my head anyway.

Same old new…

I lost my job a while back – I was given my marching orders the day I got back from my honeymoon in Mexico after what I considered to be a massive misunderstanding…

 I was never given the opportunity to rectify or even disprove this misunderstanding and so I found myself in the situation I do at a time when I least expected it.

Needless to say I was pretty angry; angry at my previous company’s timing, angry at their complete lack of respect, angry at their lack of emotional intelligence and angry at their blatant disregard. In hindsight I’m not sorry that I’m not there any more and I should have at least challenged them, but at the time I was so shocked and up in the air that I wanted to retain some dignity and positivity.

I’m just not a very vindictive person.

Note to self – be more vindictive

I was also laid off 3 1/2 years ago and figured that I had learned a whole wealth of stuff about how to handle the ‘unemployed times’ ahead. And I think I have spent the last 4 months in a pretty positive frame of mind. I remember getting pretty disjointed and affected on that first stint, and I recall being pretty agitated a lot of the time, which was not a great state to be in when jobhunting.

So I’ve done very well in balancing job hunting with recreation – adding the some yang to the yin. As a result I’ve been in good shape.

That said. I do have a small “freeze” every time I apply for a new position or speak to someone informally about a potential opportunity. I want to put a positive spin on what happened. But I don’t know how.

Take it or leave it but Donald Trump always says that you should never speak badly of a previous employer regardless of any incident that has happened and I believe him – it stinks of disloyalty and whether I (the poor layman) want it or not, the company will continue without me, thus their say in any matter realting to me probably has more weight than mine…

I need to find a way to get over this, or to find a way to articulate myself better when describing what happened… to be honest I’m still a little stunned… by ‘ego’ or self confidence or whatever has taken a little bit of a bashing in the process – which is not something I struggle too much with normally. I have pretty thick skin.

I did enroll in a course run by the local Emploi Québec offices, where they teach you how to market yourself and cold call your way into the hidden job market – they claim to have an 80% success rate within four months. It involves a number of roleplays and some videotaping?? Regardless – It’s a good thing – it lets me practice those scenarios that I worry about with some honest and constructive feedback.

It’s a three week intensive course followed by …um… monthly followup thereafter.

…in the meantime – if anyone out there needs a dynamic service manager, with exceptional training, coaching, project and operations management skills….