Encore…

Gee – it’s been a while…

A year and a half on, and life trundles by…

I’m going to try to get back in here… I kind of enjoy reading my own rubbish in a truly narcissistic way and so many things just buzz around upstairs that it’s probably healthy to get them out and gain perspective.

stuff like:

• home/work/family/personal goals balance – that old chestnut
• The always intruding guilty sense of failure in some area of life. (and I’m not even Catholic or Jewish – go figure)
• The awesomeness of fatherhood
• Projects, dreams and  inspiration
• The phrase “We’re doing the best we can”
• Re-preparing for new arrivals

I’ll start with a small anecdote about Jack.

Last week I was sick. SICK SICK SICK. I had stayed home and tried to work from home when I finally called it quits and hit the hay at around 3pm. It was the kind of sick when you know you really are because you give in to sleep at that hour without so much as a hiccup.

Jen came to see how I was doing at around 5:30 and I stirred and told her that I’d be down shortly, only to fall asleep again…

At around 8:00pm I woke up to the pitter patter of tiny feet around the bed, and a giggling child stroking my face telling me that everything was going to be OK.

I told him I was feeling lousy and so he climbed up onto the bed (as only kids do with flailing arms and legs and bums in the air and he lay on top of me for a moment just giving me a hug.

Then he ordered his mother to go fetch a book so that he could read to me, and I was treated to a Thomas the Tank Engine story: ” A Crack in the Track” – a tale which deals with the challenges of things which temporarily break down, but with the right amount of teamwork and patience will get back on track. As if he knew that this analogy would somehow be fitting.

As soon as he was done, he put the book down and gave me kiss and told me to get better and “boing-boinged” off to bed. (it’s a routine thing)

My 2.5 year old son.

So I hold that thought for the days when I’m far from home or  I’m walking home through the pouring rain or he’s overtired and targeting my solar plexus…

Part one of many of “The awesomeness of fatherhood” series.

Suburbanite!

Finally the entry about the hoose!

So this past January, J, wee J and I were sitting in our lovely downtown condo, remarking about what a great space it was for a double income family, sans famille.

Jack’s toys were strewn over what used to be our living room and his bouncy truck, swing, high chair, mats etc were a part of the scenery and a challenge to getting to the sofa…

We all looked at the space, or lack thereof, back at each other, back at the space and started the discussion about how nice it would be to be somewhere slightly bigger…

As the depths of winter subsided and allowed us all to venture outdoors, we realised that there was no discernable green space for Jack to enjoy around our inner city ghetto, neighbourhood.

So we began to have a look at The Gazette’s “Home Front” on a Saturday, and trawling through the mls.ca website.

We talked about a two year plan to get us there…

Hell – we even went to some open houses in neighbourhoods we thought we’d like.

In hindsight that was the beginning of the end.

No surprise/big surprise

I actually wrote this about 6 weeks ago and it inexplicably disappeared… until now… ah well… it’s content. 

…so I was just playing my guitar to Jack and we were both singing away to some heartbroken Del Amitri…

1. Outside it’s snowing like crazy as was forecasted – although I’m not sure we’ll get the 30cms they predicted (No surprise)
2. From nowhere came a solitary, but enormous flash of lightning followed almost instantly by an almighty crack of thunder (Big surprise)

I looked at the window and then back at Jack who had just done exactly the same thing and we looked at each other for a couple of seconds with what I was sure was EXACTLY the same expression…  bewilderment with a little wide eyed fear.
Then at the same moment we both looked back out the window and back at each other meeting with the same dumbass expression.

Had anyone else seen this – it would have been perfect comedy timing.

I guess you had to be there…

Still… I have never experience a solitary winter flash before – mid snowstorm.

It was quite bizarre.

Adios 2007

2007 was, of course, just a great year for me…

In the short 6 months that he has been on this planet (out of utero) I have watched him develop from a pink wriggly wee thing into a communicative, relaxed, happy, healthy and gorgeous wee man. I am so absolutely in love with him, more than I thought was ever possible, and have come to realise that all those clichés are true about the depth to which you adore your own.

I have had the priviledge to witness my beautiful wife grow into the perfect, relaxed and caring mother, and it’s really humbling to see her become this so effortlessly and naturally. I’m sure that she’d deny the ‘effortlessly’ part, but still…

I’m so batty about my family it’s stupid!

I have enjoyed (and can, on reflection, actually say ‘enjoyed’ and mean it!) 9 months of gainful employment and have met some great people with whom I’ve shared some laughs and some great lessons on the journey so far…

I turned 37 years old and have more salt than pepper, but am gradually coming to appreciate the ‘distinguished’ description.

Who am I kidding? I still hate it.

On the flip side too many people I know have been affected by serious illness, and for the first time, I have felt very powerless to do anything truly positive to help.

His journey has been awful and inspiring all at the same time. I know you’ll read this and I state right here that you are – whether you believe now, tomorrow or whenever – the bravest, strongest person I know and I’m incredibly proud of you and what you have achieved despite so much going against you.

There, I said it.

I wish I could have done more.

So for all of the above, there have been resolutions for this new year that are easy to to adhere to, and which I fully, fully intend to keep. They’ll be between myself and the moon, but I guess those who know me will know and understand them through the upcoming days, weeks and months.

By ex-roommate always used to ask the following question at New Year:

What was the best thing about 2007What was the worst thing about 2007

What is your motto for 2008

I think the first two are covered… but the motto?

“Can and Will”

Happy 2008!

What’s yours?

Family is Family

My twin brother arrived yesterday from the UK along with his wife and 1 1/2 year old daughter…

Obviously I am hugely excited to see him this evening – I haven’t seen him since I got married 11 months ago and now, of course, I have his nephew to introduce him to.

My brother and I were adopted shortly after birth, and although we grew up in very separate directions (I took the art – he took the science), we’ve always maintained an extremely close bond – there’s always been a lot of love and respect between us.

I have no adverse reaction to the word ‘adoption’. My mother (adopted) told me that the best advice she received when she picked us up for the first time, was to say the word in a warm, safe, comforting environment so that it would never be a ‘bad’ word. I grew up grounded and educated and consider myself supremely lucky that I have the parents that I have. I owe everything I am today to them. I also have no doubts at all that the adoption of my twin brother and I was the best thing for all of us, including my birth parents. Very rarely do I get the urge to know more about them.

Only after a combination of life milestones and large amounts of alcohol! And that dissipates with a hangover!

All that said, there is a tiny voice inside which makes me feel even MORE privileged to introduce my son to my brother.

When he had his daughter, I felt this immediate bond with her. And it was something primal and innate, because I know that she was also, in a sense, part of me too. It’s an intangible emotion that I find very difficult to express – especially, as I have a sister who also has a daughter, but it’s an undeniable one nevertheless.

I feel the same way about Jack.

Of all the people on this earth, I know I’ll feel most proud when I introduce him to my brother.  

Everything changes and I don’t feel the same….

It’s been over three weeks since Jack arrived and that cliché that “everything changes” is somewhat redefining itself.

I’m still in constant awe of what we created. This little wriggling, pink carrot-top is developing personality moment by moment, and growing in size and weight minute by minute.

His feet no longer fit into his 0-3 month PJ’s, but his baby bum does.

Sleep patterns have no rhyme or reason. Except for me. I sleep at night. Only less.

We have watched all of seasons one, two and are well into season 3 of Nip/Tuck. I think I know who the ‘Carver’ is. He’s still creepy.

I’ve been poo’d and pee’d on more times than I remember. It doesn’t gross me out at all.

My perception of the world around me, and my understanding of my view of the world pre-Jack is a complete “Sliding Doors” thing.

I used to look at those people who had kids and think to myself ‘that’s nice’ and move on, unaware of how small your world really becomes, how much energy you can realistically give to the other stuff and how your world is focused on my new family, and it’s safety, security and health.

…and I never appreciated that before now.

When friends and family had their kids before, I accepted that they would disappear and enjoy their moment and I knew that I shouldn’t take it personally when they chose family over me.

But of course it’s not a choice.

In these early days, we as parents have no choice but to care and love and look after our new kids.  Above all else. Instinctually. Primally.

So in that sense everything changes and nothing changes.

We’ll be back and into circulation. I still care deeply for my friends who are on the outside looking in, but they need to know that we’re not actively choosing to shut anyone out.

More that we’re still figuring it out.

It might make no sense within their perspective now, but trust me on this…

 There’s enough room in my heart for everyone – just not in my life right now!   

And if you want to see what’s going on, you should go see the wee man.

Introducing Jack David.

At 9.37pm, on a stormy June 27th, my first child and son Jack David entered this world weighing in at 8lbs 9oz.

He lay on his mother’s chest as we both laughed and cried, opened his eyes and made the gentlest of sounds.

“Hi”.

Every clichéd emotion is true.

All of it.

And all I know is that I love this little grunting, squeaking man more than I thought was humanely possible.

…and just when I though my wife couldn’t amaze me any more with her strength, perseverance and courage she blows my mind to another new level. I of course adore her fiercely!

We are in the throes of the steepest learning curve of our lives…

But I (ME!!) am responsible for a family!

And I have never been happier or prouder.

I give you Jack:

Extra Time

Today is “Due Day”.

Or “D-Day”

Chances of him making an appearance today?

Slim.

I am not slim. A poutine and steamies in 34 degree temperatures sees to that.

Hey – don’t judge me – It’s sheer folly to even ATTEMPT to talk a full term pregnant woman away from a poutine when she wants it.

I spent the evening feeling annoyed that Canadian Idol judges ‘couldn’t find a place in the final 22′ for Montreal’s Ben Griffin, and yet they could for the screamy rocker dude and ‘too cool for school’ newfie guy and about 80% of the remainder. They guy has more talent, positivity and charisma in his wee finger than most, if not all of the others.

 It’s not a Montreal thing (OK maybe a tiny bit).

But seriously?

And Objectively?

The guy was robbed. And his place and chance passed to too many kids who, quite frankly, are one dimensional and will be found out as soon as they have to try something which falls outside of their own niche.

So tough luck, Ben. Keep making music and inspiring the kids you teach.

You deserved a shot. 

   

Readiness?

Baby Manchild Watch 2007

J had her weekly appointment yesterday and am pleased to announce that after being knocked up for 38 weeks…

 

Weak and listed…

Due to my lack of low esteem after my poor showing at last night’s quiz, I caved.

I caved and visited Facebook.

I swore I wouldn’t, but the cat inside me got curious.

And as I added my email address, cuz, y’know, you’re nothing on the internet if you don’t add your email address to the little white box, I told myself I would only go ONE step further.

I didn’t REALLY do anything. Honest, judge!

And I’ve been pinged about 25 times by people asking who I am. And why I’m stalking them.

And someone bought be a shiney red guitar.

Damn you facebook for filling my email inbox with wellwishes and random stuff.

and why hasn’t anyone pinged me in the last 5 minutes…