*start rant*
I never used to think I had a big, professional ego…
For the most part, I have always found it relatively easy to articulate my thoughts and to influence with relative ease… or at least have my opinions respected. Especially about things I kow and am passionate about.
Recently, however, and for reasons which I can’t seem to fathom, this has been getting more and more difficult.
There are few things that rile me more than the sense that I’m not being listened to. Or that my opinions count for nothing because the person I am talking to assumes they know better. I can see it happening, in the recipient’s body language and see the begin to unfocus. The teacher in me was trained to recognize these signs and to adjust accordingly by asking checking and verification questions…
And while I try REALLY hard not to revert back to some kind of childish impudence, I’m getting closer to tantrums than I think most realise. And, of course, when I get close to that the red mist descends and clear, articulate thoughts are gone.
I took quite a large slice of humble pie to come work here: I had previously held management positions in all previous companies and had prided myself on the quality of work I undertook to make that grade and become a positive, professional leader and I empowered others to be and do the same. For a while here, mine was a new ‘fresh’ approach which seemed to be embraced by most people I dealt with, and I didn’t feel confined by the position I held which, given the steps forward I had made in my professional life, I worried meant I was taking a step backward.
It seems that your working life accumulates equity, in the same way that a house does when held onto: As you create experience and maturity you develop your worth. Unfortunately, a ‘step back, might be considered a salf imposed recession, and as such impacts your worth.
All that said, I have never looked at the professional side of my life to be the be-all-and-end-all of my existence. It is a means to an end – to support my family and provide a lifestyle that we can enjoy…
But we all need to have that sense of worth and of recognition and of accomplishment.
Here, there are a whole bunch of barriers to that: A ‘class system’, based on seniority, a lack of vision at a Management level, which means that most creativity is plagiarised by those managers who are lucky enough to have good, creative team-members, selfish personal agendas and zero recognition.
Which, perhaps I should just accept.
But I’m realising it fits less and less with my M.O., and makes me bitter as hell, which impacts my work habits and will doubtless put me further back down the chain that I was when I started.
That is, of course, completely up to me (do you adapt to your company or does your company adapt to you), but how many barriers and patronising insults do you hit head-on before you realise it hurts your head. Or your ego.
Perhaps the biggest question I’m asking myself is if I’m learning anything? Am I becoming a better worker? The answer is that I’m not sure I am.
Maslow’s heirarchy of needs is largely based on the overall human motivation, but can be remodeled to the workplace. I feel at present that I’m stuck in one of the lower levels and while trying to ascend, am being stifled down so that others can reach the top levels at the expense of people like me.
Ugh, even reading my own words makes me feel weak and kind of pathetic.
The good news is that I know I’m in control of my own path. I have choices. Taking this job as very definately a case fo “sometimes you have to do what you have to do in order to put food on the table”, and it goes without saying that I know there are people who are a hell of a lot more needing than me.
But this is about me and my own state of mind.
So being in control means I have choices:
1) Run this course, adjust, and be silent and bitter – not good for anyone.
2) Run this course, adjust and try to effect positive change – the challenging option
3) Jump ship and target environments which match my style – not impossible, but lengthy change
4) Stop whining and get an attitude change. You do it because you have to – most likely immediate change!
As usual, I probably haven’t articulated myself well – I don’t when I feel down or pissy or negative.
*end rant*